“Nanny of the Year” by Amberly Hill

I woke up before dawn on April 5, 2016. There was no noise, and though I was supposed to be up pumping breastmilk for my 4-month-old twins, that’s not why I was awake. I had a strange, sickening feeling. My older children were asleep while my husband Dusty was away for work—still, I felt compelled to check our Nest nanny cameras. I skipped back to the 2:00 AM mark and came across a scene I will never get out of my head. I watched as our night nanny Kathleen, in black-and-white, got out of bed and went over to my son, who was in his crib, crying. She forced Dane to take a pacifier, but when that didn’t work after a couple seconds, Kathleen aggressively shook him by the legs, then bent him sharply at the hips. Dane became hysterical, then she violently dragged my baby out of his crib. Because of the camera’s position, I could not see what happened next, however, the audio made it clear.

There was a loud slap. A painful wale. Shaking and crying, I could not believe what I was watching, so I replayed the video three times before rushing into the nursery where my twin babies and Kathleen were sleeping. I ordered Kathleen to get out and immediately photographed Dane’s face. His cheek was still bright red three hours after she hit him.

Even though I knew she was capable of anything, possibly even killing my babies, my first, overwhelming need was to get her out of the house. I didn’t call the police right away. Looking back, I wish I had…..continued below

…continued from above

In April of 2015, Dusty and I discovered we were pregnant with twins, and we were determined to do everything in our power to be prepared (without compromising our involvement in the lives of our older children). We had some trouble working out this plan because we didn’t have any family nearby to help us. A friend suggested hiring a nanny who would assist Dusty and me when we needed it the most. Initially, the idea of having someone else caring for our babies felt unnatural, although, we did our research and discovered how common it was for parents of multiples to hire a “night nanny.” After more reading about many positive experiences, we decided to talk to an agency called Mom’s Best Friend. We thoroughly explored the process, interviewed applicants, and agreed to hire Kathleen. Though she was on the expensive side, the agency ensured us that she had the best reviews and the most experience. Mom’s Best Friend described her as “superb” and “Nanny of The Year,” so she had to be worth the price. Right?

Kathleen started working with us after the twins were born. Since I was nursing, Kathleen’s duties included helping me feed the babies in the middle of the night, and eventually, she switched them to bottles of pumped milk. To keep the transitions smooth, we were sure to keep a journal of feedings, spit-ups, and diaper changes as well as sleep times during the night. Kathleen had been a night nanny before, so we just kind of evolved into what she wanted, and though I wanted to change aspects of the arrangement so I could be more involved at night, I also didn’t want to come off as controlling.

Kathleen rested on a bed in the twins’ room while they slept during the night, on-call if babies woke up hungry. Things appeared to be going well. We trusted her. We didn’t have any doubts about Kathleen until the twins were 2-months-old.

Kathleen wasn’t sleeping well. While I felt uncomfortable when she told me this, her whole purpose in our home was to be there caring for the babies (not sleeping). Before she left one morning, I noticed a swollen gash the size of a fingernail on Dane’s left cheek. Kathleen quickly explained it away, saying that a snap from Dane’s onesie must have scratched him while she changed him in the dark. I wanted to believe her explanation, but of course, it never sat well because it didn’t make sense! This type of injury wasn’t caused by a snap on a onesie! Snaps are rounded and smooth, incapable of penetrating his skin that deeply. And since it wasn’t really a scratch, I thought she may have caught her nail on his face and cut him by accident. She still didn't want to own up to it. I wrote it off, thinking it was a little crazy to even question any wrong doing because of how much she was helping our family. She lied.  

Kathleen wasn’t the caregiver she portrayed all these months. There were moments when I felt anxious or suspicious around her, but then I cringed in embarrassment for being that way. My thoughts sped through the nights where the babies could have been abused while Dusty and I slept, then my stomach turned with this unfamiliar, animalistic rage. I had to throw up or fight or do horrible things to the one who made my babies suffer, and yet, in that moment, I knew I could not allow the damage to spread to my older kids. I imagined the stressful scene, full of bright lights and sirens, burning into their memories. Plus, I didn’t want a standoff with the police and Kathleen holed up in the house. I didn’t want that for anyone.

On the surface, I was calm. Shaking but still controlled, I opened the nursery door and loudly said, “Kathleen, you need to get your things and leave now.” As I shut and locked the front door behind her, I felt relief wash over me because my babies would not be threatened by her again.

In hindsight, I realize that my priority was to get her out of our home so I could lock the doors and protect it again. I didn’t call for help, and maybe if Dusty had been there that night—or if I had known the extent of the abuse—I would have done something more extreme. There are so many videos. Shaking, slapping, rough and jerking pick-ups. One night, she ignored my daughter Jule’s crying for two hours.

I didn’t go back to sleep. Instead, my mind went other places, wondering what else had happened to them. I remembered the gash on Dane’s cheek—the same cheek she slapped. I was overcome with guilt for bringing my precious newborns into a world of terror and abuse instead of a world full of love and safety. The worst violations I’ve felt in my life are forever preserved, even if I could forget them. They continually remind me that I went against my instincts as a mother, trying to be cautious, and in that caution, I put my babies into dangerous hands. My children were physically and emotionally harmed because I set up the situation. I was the reason it happened. In the recordings, I heard my babies crying out for me, the only one they knew, and they were punished by an unfeeling monster. I can’t forgive myself or forget the time in our lives tainted by her.

I took the twins to Dell Children’s Hospital for full evaluations that same day. Dusty was able to fly home to meet me at the hospital, where the doctors ordered blood work, CT scans, and X-rays to scan their bodies for injuries. The worst part was holding them down for every procedure.  We can’t really know how Kathleen’s abuse affected their brains long-term.

At the hospital, we filed a police report, thinking Kathleen would be arrested. We were assigned a detective to our case and waited for the charges. Days turned into weeks, and close to month after talking to our detective, we learned our case was closed. The detective called to explain that the DA would not press charges. They see much worse cases than ours.

How is this possible? If someone hurts you in public, you can press charges, so how can someone hit and shake a newborn—on tape—with zero consequences? How can you tell a mother that this is legal?

Anger and frightening memories ate us alive over the next several months. Something had to be done. During this time, we contacted the nanny agency, Mom’s Best Friend, to alert them of what had happened. We also wanted a refund of the $40,000 we paid for Kathleen, a woman they called, “Nanny of the Year.” Dusty spoke with the president of the company, who offered to reimburse us a small portion in exchange for our signatures on a Non-Disclosure Agreement with Mom’s Best Friend. They offered us an insulting $3,386.88, so we didn’t sign the NDA. Here is the document their lawyers sent.

We bought two Nest nanny cameras and mounted them above the cribs. With our subscription, the footage only went back seven days and while Dusty watched all seven days, I hit my limit before that. We found more videos of abuse. Our baby girl, Jule, who was five pounds at birth, had a difficulty gaining weight. Since she was weak, the doctors informed us that if she did not gain weight soon, she would need to be placed on formula. Hiring a night nanny made me feel confident Jule’s health would rebound, but soon, I saw that was not the case. Kathleen’s reported feedings did not match the video footage—instead, Kathleen left her to cry. Looking back in time, my heart broke and raged equally, as I watched my baby girl scream hungrily—like an alarm—all night. We will never know if Kathleen physically assaulted our baby girl, but we do know she starved her. Happily, I can say that Jule quickly gained weight after I fired Kathleen.

Though I wish I could say I got over what she has done to our family, that I’ve forgiven her and myself, I admit I am still shaken. Some days are better than others. Often, I wake up feeling okay until the images come flooding in, then I find it hard to concentrate or be in the moment with my family. The blame is compounded because I hate that this trauma affects me, erasing the quality time spent with my family. I’m not over it. I have to give myself time to heal first.

Given the experience that brought Kathleen into my home, I’m afraid this same kind of abuse will happen to other families, but I don’t know what to do about it. I think Kathleen might be out there, allowed to hurt another child because the current law is insufficient, and because the DA never charged Kathleen.

Our hope is to bring attention to this issue, and possibly prevent a similar situation from happening to someone else. Perhaps our story might join with others and inspire lawmakers to write better laws that can hold child abusers responsible. I’m afraid of hearing a story similar to mine on the news and feeling like I didn’t do enough to prevent it.

The statute of limitations has not yet run out on the offenses on our twins, which the Travis County DA chose not to pursue. While there may still be a small chance she could legally be held responsible, raising awareness in our community is the only way I know how to help.